I'm so cold... laying here in my room... clinging childishly to my cats in a desperate attempt to warmth my skin and mentality. With now a half hour left of this.. our All Saints Day... I regretfully find that horrible muse stirring, waking from her horrible slumber at the chiming of those bells. These bells, of course, are the reason I (of all people) become a God fearing child of the heavens.. for this day. Afteral, today is the day we remember those who have left us, and transcended us, taught us, and whom I PRAY... take pity on us for not being able to yet join them. I endured the chiming of those bells as names of friends who have died this year were spoken (yea i need to make more friends MY AGE.. I get it)... and of course I found myself doubled over in that oh so familiar silent position.. tears running donw my face.. a scream of wordless passion behind my teeth.. without a soul noticing. And sure, I can still bank on the 'oor wittle boy' who never knew his mom, and who's whole family died as he was growing up, and so let me act as pastor and musician as I ring the bell for Anne Marie Doyle Brant, Santo Cofini, Alice Straizik, John Hilaire, Peg Doyle, Doc Rassmussen, and our poor Heintz... and even now I'm realizing there's too many to list here... due to typing constraints, spelling constaints, and namely memory refusal to dive back into the abyss. Is feeling so strongly about life the same as becoming depressed ? I'll admit, they both seem to have the same effect on me... but life feels so... real... with passion flowing through your body like liquid fire teeming from your skin.

I regret having lost contact with too many of my friends... I know everyone says this.. and I know they all say that they'll change that. I (for reasons beyond me) can't seem to reassure myself of this 'I'll contact everyone and have a wonderful tea party like the good ol' days' feeling... I just simply can't. I wish all my friends strength to continue in whatever they pursue, I wish them all the will power to see it through, and I wish them all hope and compassion for one another. I may not be able to lie to myself right now.. but I damn well can dream big can't I ??

I find myself still shivering, yet grinning with teary eyes as one of my cats begins to knead at my leg *and enter in her scratching me >.> * and I really wonder IF there's a true definition to happiness. As it has been brought to my attention, I treat everyone *seemingly* with an above-average kindness and friendliness ((alright alright so I shouldn't be THAT friendly with other women .... sorry Dani >.< )). But truly... I feel that one should live life like today is our last; why bother with hatred and timidness when one can love and be loved all around oneself ?? If happiness can be found through spreading happiness..... then why must my mind remind me of days such as this.. and that today MIGHT TRULY BE our last....(notice the happy cheerful color of my voice suddenly becoming hollow). I've always had this shaded chip on my shoulders (just look at all my past works on this site) ... and despite how warm I may feel, I always feel most at home... rather.. most like myself... when I'm here.. cold and shivering.. and mentally ripping myself apart (and maybe cats being cute and scratching me by accident ). It all comes back to the chiming of those chillingly angelic bells, reminding us that we love, and we lose, and life is continually suffocating us. Rather, those omnipresent bells are reminding us not only of those passed, but that we shall soon follow (FOR WHEN ASKED FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS... IT TOLLS... FOR THEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE *points finger at uuuuuu lawlz*).

But alas, regretfully as midnight strikes it's final chime, I'll allow my jaded sanctuary to begin fading into whatever mindset she lays me down in.... green pastures or valleys of death.... yet allow me to end this *stunningly pure and meaningfully religious side of me.. rare as it is..* to end with one of my favorite passages...

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.
Blessed are the Peacemakers, for they wil be called Sons of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

Praise be to you.. you omnipotent prick. Fuck your sense of justice, forcing life to merely be a daydream for the dead. I'll at least give ya credit for filling it with twists and turns... and as a final.. almost Oedipus complex twist... I often *admittedly jaded* consider myself a peacemaker.... so then dearest Father... where the hell do I fit into this big picture ??? I truly hope you can show me something besides your flawed sense of justice ...

...the lord is my shepherd....
.......I shall not want...........
~Chaos